It dawned on me recently that I've not always been perfectly honest in my training. Not that I've lied specifically but more I suppose that I've not actually asked myself any of the difficult questions that should have been asked. I've lied through ignorance let's say.
If our horses mirror us then we need to be honest with ourselves before we can expect them to be honest in return. Our horses don't lie, they can't, they reflect their training, they reflect us, that's all.
I like this quote from Sara Paddison <You can't undo anything you've already done, but you can face up to it. You can tell the truth. You can seek forgiveness >
So I'm seeking forgiveness and telling the truth and my horses seem to be happy with that.
I've always been amazed by horses, the fact that they tolerate all the things we do with/to them is indeed amazing. As so often before I'm on a new learning curve. This one is sharp, so sharp that I feel in danger of sliding down to the bottom at any moment. Even trying to put this into words feels somewhat dangerous. It's as if I'm teetering on the brink of something fantastic, just a few more steps and I'll be there but what if? What if, as I step into this fantastic world, I lose it all and bump back down with a thud? I think the last week I've decided either a) I won't hurt my @rse if I do end up bumping down to the beginning again so I could dust it off and start again and that, more probably b) the fantastic world ahead is just another step in the right direction, it isn't that nirvana is only a breathe away, lol.
Bearing all this in mind I'm trying to let go in my training, less control (which for a self confessed control freak is a big deal) and more partnership with the boys. It's quite strange because the added bonus with all this is that I've seen it reflected in the relationship I have with Lydia, my daughter. When you let others have the reins (so to speak, no pun intended) and they actually follow the thought process you were having yourself it is magical and it's been quite emotional at times (lol menopause looming!!).
This isn't a sudden change as I've been headed here for some time but this does very much feel like a big break through. The practical side of this current change of heart/mind is that I feel a huge release from the ball breaking job of parameter setting! I am still headed in the general direction of gymnastic training, I truly believe that this is the only method that will nurse Moo into old age without further ceasing up. The way I achieve that gymnastic training will evolve (well I'm hoping so, it already has started to) and I'm going to chart the progress, even if I hate writing it up in such a methodical manner I think it is the only way I won't get lost.
At the moment we are still laying down the foundations, not so much so with Chapsi but with Moo it's very slow but that doesn't bother me too much because his needs are different; he needs to be 'released' which Chapiro already understands. Moo is releasing me too because he is so sensitive I have to let go even more with him, learn to trust him.
I'll write up the last week's work (it's not terribly exciting) when I can find time but this gut spilling has been cathartic.
Just to finish I want to reproduce a verse from Charlie Winston's Boxes which I like because it puts me in mind of where I am, analysing every little thing but I believe that through this comes a place where I can step outside the box again!
As a child with ocean eyes I smiled
At a world existing just for me
Without boxes, borders or boundaries,
I built dreams but like plastic building blocks
They were knocked down to the ground
I grew up to a world of compromise
Analysing what it means to dream
I don't really want to understand everything in my world
It spoils the fun for me.